The Castle Awards 2020
The only awards that really matter.
You’ve been paying attention to the official Flickmetic awards, where I have been awarding all kinds of awards all over the place.
But now we get onto the most prestigious awards on the internet: the Castle Awards. If you’re new here, who is Castle? Castle is the bunny who graces this website with his presence. He is also affectionately known by me and the rest of the world as “The Best Bunny Critic in the Business.” So of course, he gets to give his own reviews.
I’ll just let him take over now. I will merely transcribe what he says. Take it away, Castle.
The Prey Animal Award
For the movie that is so scary that I wouldn’t dare watch it again.
The Invisible Man
Winner: Hubie Halloween! This wins because it’s legitimately terrifying to me that Adam Sandler gets to continue making movies as bad as this one.
The Get Duked! Award
For the movie that best demonstrates how magical my poo is.
Boyz in the Wood
Ninian Doff’s 2020 Movie
Winner: Get Duked! This is a film that did so much to further the understanding of rabbit excrement that it’s inarguably the most important film of the year.
The Best Movie With “The” in the Title
For the best movie with the most common word in the English language in it.
World of Tomorrow Episode Three: The Absent Destinations of David Prime
The Half of It
The Way Back
The Trial of the Chicago 7
The Vast of Night
The Personal History of David Copperfield
The War with Grandpa
The Wrong Missy
The New Mutants
The Broken Hearts Gallery
The Call of the Wild
The Old Guard
The High Note
The Night Clerk
The Last Thing He Wanted
The Eight Hundred
The Invisible Man
Inherit the Viper
The Murder of Nicole Brown Simpson
The Last Full Measure
To All the Boys: P.S. I Still Love You
Sonic the Hedgehog
The Wonder Woman 1984
The Mogul Mowgli
The Bad Education
The Let Him Go
The Palm Springs
The Dark Knight
The 12 Angry Men
Winner: I forgot. I believe it was The Casablanca.
The Movie With the Character That I Would Allow to Give Me Treats
If this character was real and beside me they could give me treats.
The Gurgling Ghost from The Grudge
Enola Holmes from Enola Holmes
The Octopus from My Octopus Teacher
Sam Bloom from Penguin Bloom
Winner: Sam Bloom from Penguin Bloom! There is no joke here because getting treats is a serious matter so the best person needs to be chosen.
The Movie With a Character That Even I Could Beat up (I’m Less Than 10lbs)
For the movie with the biggest wimp that can get dese paws.
The Protagonist from Tenet
Alex Malmquist from Shithouse
Griffin from The Binge
The Gurgling Ghost from The Grudge
Winner: The Protagonist from Tenet! He’s easily the toughest of the bunch but the dude says, “I’m the Protagonist.” He can most definitely get it.
The Best Movie Critic of 2020
For the movie critic that had the best body of work in 2020.
Sara Michelle Fetters
Ruben Peralta Rigaud
Winner: Roger Ebert! Still the king, always the king!
Seriously, nothing but love for the man. Rest in peace.
The Deepest Movie of 2020
For the think that makes me movie.
She Dies Tomorrow
Winner: Tenet! Say what you want about it, but Tenet makes a rabbit seriously think…
…about giving dese paws to the Protagonist.
The Serious Award
For the movie that I need to get serious about. No more clowning around.
Da 5 Bloods
Never Rarely Sometimes Always
The Best Sound Design
For the movie with the best sound. This could be the soundtrack, audio mixing, etc. This represents the best in sound design in general.
Sound of Metal
Last and First Men
Winner: Tenet! Sometimes the most obvious joke is the best one.
The COVID-19 Devastation Award
For movies that I was excited for that had their release date demolished.
Almost all of them.
Winner: Almost all of them! A few large movies were released this year that lived up to the hype, but how does the line “I’m the Protagonist” get to appear on the big screen this year and Dune does not? Here’s to a (hopefully) better 2021 and on!
The Bestest Bunny of 2020
Representing the best of Bundom in 2020. This could be for either a rabbit performance, a character that’s integral to the plot, a bunny that appears to be a mascot or something more philosophical.
Winner: Get Duked! No movie has made rabbits more integral to the plot than Get Duked! did this year. Rabbit poop was mentioned at least four times and it was crucial to how the movie unfolded. It also began with some video that included rabbits.
The Best Movie of 2020
This award is given to the best movie of 2020, a movie that rises above the competition, whether it includes a bunny or not. This award has been expanded this year because there are so many great movies to showcase.
Dick Johnson is Dead
Wonder Woman 1984
Winner: Nomadland! Wow, what a year! Brilliant films like Nomadland stand beside titans like The G—Burrow. Personal films like Dick Johnson is Dead can sit comfortably besides Rogue and Gummo is bringing 1997 to us. [Tyler note: Gummo wins this if I was writing it]
But in the end, it has to be the film that has gotten so much buzz, Nomadland. It’s powerhouse in every sense of the word and I hadn’t even seen it yet when I originally wrote this article!
The Most Disappointing Movie of 2020
The main event of the article. For the movie that most disappointed me. This award has been expanded this year because because there are so many disappointing movies to showcase.
Crazy, Not Insane
I’m Thinking of Ending Things
Yes, God, Yes
The Argument Between Bunk Beds
Winner: If you’ve been paying attention, then it’s pretty obvious who the winner of this award should be. It’s definitely The Argument Between Bunk Beds. I had really high hopes for this one but it was hard to stomach. What could have been a deeply immersive experience that really spoke about the human condition ended up being a limp representation of questionable morals.
Castle would like it to be known that the dislike for the Protagonist is not indicative of a resentment towards John David Washington, who is a great actor making a name for himself outside of the fact that he is a Washington and Denzel is dad.